Black, White, With a Touch of Red

Life really knows how to twist up our guts. To make us feel like we got punched right in the stomach... But then it spins around and shows a beautiful face, making us forget all the bad times.

We then get comfortable and start to take down our armor, Ya know, the one that keeps us protected. We protect ourselves and have our guard up. But damn that one blissful moment can truly trick us. Makes us forget. The second things start to turn upside down again is when we frantically start putting that armor back on.

Over the years in my young life I've already had many of these moments. Yes, I know some people would say I'm too young to have too many problems. But that's a silly myth. Everyone, even the most young, have their own problems. Especially in today's world.

I took these pictures at one of my lowest times. I had just had a baby. I was feeling my lowest. The pandemic was still hot and so of course there was nothing to do and I hadn't picked up a camera in a very long time, which was unusual for me.

Postpartum depression had sank its ugly teeth in deep. I felt unworthy, ugly, and all alone, despite being surrounded by others. I would slink away to be alone because being around people was mentally draining.

The highs and lows were confusing really. One day I would be happy and then the next, I would be completely lost with no way to explain how I felt, so I would lash out or cry.

I would have to say at this point, I definitely had my armor up and I didn't trust any happy moment that life would throw at me. Sure, I might have been able to enjoy it in that moment, but the second it was over, I would feel this heavy cloud of doom follow me out the door and back home.

So, at this moment, I decided to take a couple pictures. I did not feel pretty in them. I hated the way I looked but the colors I chose seem to have explained my feelings at the time. Better than any words I could put together.

Black, white, with a touch of red.

To me, at the time, it was a black and white world. Nothing to look forward to other than those small happy moments, which I've had come to dread more, since the seemed to never last long.

I felt like I was being punched in the gut all the time.

But then I slowly started to realize that the people in my life were not going anywhere. I had a new baby boy to take care of, and I could start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I decided to fight for myself.

I started to go to therapy. I would talk to my significant other instead of accuse him or lash out. I held my little baby, wanting to be a good mom to him.

It was not over night though. I would still have days in black and white and to this day, sometimes I still do. But instead of putting up my armor all the time, I try and walk through it and allow myself to feel everything. Accept those feelings and deal with them instead of hiding. No, its not easy but life is not easy and it wasn't meant to be easy.

But I have been through tough times before, losing people I love, financially, or anything else really, it was never easy. This was just a new kind of black and white world I've never seen before and it was scary. Postpartum depression is very scary and it isolates you. Whispers horrible things in your ears, and makes you pack on the armor, even against your friends and family.

But don't let it. Fight everyday. Accept your feelings and talk about them with the people you love. Or a therapist... Or both.

Yes, your world may be black and white right now. The small splash of red doesn't seem like much or near enough, but I promise, it will get better. Then one day, your world will seem more colorful and bright. Take off your armor and let yourself feel everything in life. The good, bad, or the ugly. Do not hide.

And maybe it's just because I'm a photographer, but take pictures. No matter what is going on or how you feel. Those moments are priceless and one day, you'll wish you had.

You are loved, worthy, and beautiful <3

XOXO ~ Shannon